a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
