he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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