If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
