i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
