tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
