I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
