Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
