Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
