Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
