The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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