i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
