It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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