I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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