If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
