i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
