thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
