Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
