The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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