sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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