I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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