Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
they're like a gay fantastic four
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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