my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
