My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
