She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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