Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
