I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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