Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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