im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
