Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
