i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
