Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
