fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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