____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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