What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
