Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
