Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Congratulations! We have a period
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