Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
