Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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