At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
