He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
