well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
