I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
