i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
