i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i think i just lost a toe
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
