In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
