Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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