i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
