Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
