Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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