Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
