You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
