Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
