my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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