Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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