The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
