Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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