if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
