Tell her she can't have a vagina
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
