my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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