it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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